I heard a story today that I had to post up.  My professor for one of my CJ classes told a story today that had my laughing off my ass.  He used to work for the Federal Government in a bunch of jobs, parole, witness relocation and other things.  Someone asked him what if he ever shot anyone and his response was just funny as hell.

He’s driving down the 10 freeway just past Blithe really late at night.  He comes up on two Monte Carlos full of, in his words, “Cholo Vato Mother Fuckers.” I guess these guys are running people off the road and firing 20 auto pistols out the window.  I guess my professor isn’t really a big guy or a violent guy.  He said he was scared shitless and didn’t know what to do. 

First a little background on this professor.  He used to shoot on the Olympic team and won the marine team short rife contest a couple years in a row.  As he said, “I can out shoot anyone; I won a lot of money from Marines and special forces guys.”

So anyway, he’s thinking that he’s about to die, then he remembers he has his 30-30 with a scope on it in the back seat with over 300 rounds for a shooting competition.  He stops the car about 200-300 yards from where the Vatos have stopped and blocked the rode, gets out his car, scopes in and just unloads. 

He is just pounding the guys and their cars, knocking mother fuckers like 5 ft. back, punching holes in the car trunks and blowing out their tires.  Have you ever seen a bullet for one of those guns? There freaking big and he had the armor piercing kind too.  Those things will punch a hole in a car and still go through 2 people.  The Vatos are shooting back but at that range 20 auto bullets are useless, they’re freaking tumbling end over end and that’s if they are actually still going at that distance.

After about 2 minutes the Vatos jump back in the car, grab their buddies that are ground and take the fuck off like a greased pig.  My professor waits a minute then gets back in his car and keeps going.  Finally, after a few minutes he sees a coffee shop and as luck would have it there’s a CHP in there.  He tells him thee whole story and the CHP’s response is, “Well sounds like you fucked em up, good for you.” That was it; apparently he didn’t even stop eating his Danish.

Just goes to show you that no matter what you think of yourself and how tough you are that there is always someone with tougher or with a bigger gun.

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In college I learned there is such a thing as a “Fat Friend.”  The fat friend usually hangs out with a group of really attractive girls.  Some times she is really fat, but normally she is only a bit overweight, but compared to the other girls she looks like a moo cow. 

The fat friend serves two purposes.  One, she is normally the patsy for the other girls.  She drives them to parties, keeps them out of trouble when they are drinking and so on.  The fat friend is aware of this function, but she is the other girl’s friend, she wants to do nice things for them.  The other function is much more devious and the fat friend is unaware of it.  She is there to make the attractive girls look even better and to make them feel good about themselves.  When ever they feel fat they can look at her and think, “God I’m such a pig, I eat a whole slice of pizza, but I’ll never be as fat as her.” 

The fat friend benefits as well however.  If she were by herself she wouldn’t be going to all the fun places, meeting the new people and wouldn’t be getting free drinks at the party/bar.  I’m not sure who gets the better end of the deal, but either way both parties seem to be happy with the arrangement.  Like my Pop always said, “Son, if something aint broke, then by god don’t try to fix it.  Knowing you you’ll just screw it up.”  Then he’d slap me and drink another beer, bastard.

There is one final function of the fat friend, actually its more of a requirement.  If the fat friend isn’t having a good time at a party, she isn’t getting noticed or hit on, then the other girls are more inclined to leave.  So someone has to step up and do it, and by it I mean her.  Back in my college fraternity we used to call it jumping on the grenade or taking one for the team.  Someone has to hook up with the fat friend to make her happy and in turn making the attractive girls happy.  This job is usually rotated, but sometimes you find someone who actually likes it, sickos. 

So remember, if you’re at a party or in a bar and you see a fat girl, be nice, she normally has some mad hot friends near by.

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I lived in a frat house for 3 and a half years during college.  It was like Animal House, but we got into way more fights.  Concerning women I did alright for myself in high school, dated more than average, but getting me some pune tang was a bit hard.  When I moved into the frat house as a freshman I was still a little slow at getting me some loving, but that changed.  As I learned and was taught by the older members of the house, it is easy to “date” girls in college, especially when you live in a frat house. 

Let’s look at what a frat house actually is.  A frat house is place where lots of 19-24 year olds live.  It is also a place where people like to party and drink.  When girls come to a frat house they know what they are coming to.  They don’t walk up to a frat house looking for a quite place to study or mistakenly thinking it a church, they come there to party, to drink to have fun and a lot of time to get layed.  A frat house is a place where girls come to get drunk and have sex, no bones about it.The best pick up line I ever learned was, “Hey, wana take shots in my room?” Works every time.  I read these stories about fraternities across the country using GHB and the like to sleep with women and I have always wondered why.  Meeting women and getting loving is like shooting fish in a barrel in a frat house.  Hell, if one girl tells you no, who cares?  There’s like 100 more running around and 99 of them are drinking, how much better can your odds get??If anyone who lives in a frat house tells you he can’t get him some loving, slap him in the face and call him a bitch twice.  Once for you and once for me.  No matter how fat or ugly your are eventually you can always find someone to hook up with.  Shit, I’ve seen the ugliest mother fuckers getting loving on a regular basis.  They can do this because like I said, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  No, wait, its more like shooting dead fish in barrel. 

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The drunk dial is a staple of any good drunk’s arsenal.  It normally happens late in the evening/early morning.  It is normally a screaming/yelling one way conversation and usually contains vulgarities and slurred speech.   Some times it is an attempt to get some late night loving as well.  It can also be an angry phone call about an obscure incident that happened two weeks ago.  However, one thing that all drunk dials have in common are that the caller will most likely not remember the call in the morning, are hilarious when you actually stop to think about what was said and are always fun to talk about later on

 If you have ever been in college you are extremely familiar with this brand of phone call.  The phone rings at 4am Saturday morning.  You know its one of four things:  News of a terrible accident/family emergency, someone needs to be bailed out of jail, someone in needs a ride home from a party/bar/booty calls house or its one of your friends calling you blasted out of your mind. 

Since its almost never one of the first two your first instinct is to just let the phone ring through, but then you start to think, what if someone really does need bail money or what is something did happen to Mom? So of course you pick up the phone and of course you’re greeted by a screaming voice that is so slurred all you can understand are the words: beer, boobs, hammered and donkey show.

All this may seem rather annoying for the person who is receiving the phone call, but there is one consolation for them.  The next time they get hammered they know just who their calling.  So the next time you find yourself a little tipsy and are a little bored, reach out and give one of your friends a call, I’m sure they will return you the favor later.    

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Lately I have been reading many blogs and articles about being fat, or getting in shape and so on.  Many of these truly enlightening blogs talk about accepting fat people (especially fat women/girls) how they are.  Many people, mainly people who are overweight, want everyone to love them for who they are, not what they look like.

Alright fatties, reality check.  Being fat is not attractive.  It is not cool, nor is it really that interesting or unique.  I do not like fat chicks, most men to not like fat chicks, get over it.  You say you want people to like you for who you are, well you are fat.  I don’t care if you’re smart, hard working or whatever other random trait you want people to think you are, you are still fat.  FAT!!! 

 Not only is fat not attractive it is not healthy.  I’m sorry, there is no debate on this issue, if you are fat, you are unhealthy.  You have a much higher chance of dieing than someone who is not fat.  Being fat is more dangerous to your health that smoking, drinking and guns combined.  Most likely you will die young.  You will not look good when you die, you will still be fat, and fat is not cool. So stop being fat.  Work out, eat less, take a walk that doesn’t end up at the fridge, Starbucks or McDonalds.  If you are not fat, people will like you more, sorry it’s true.  If you are not fat then people will like you for your personality and for you looks.  It is not hard to loose weight, it is just annoying and time consuming.  So get off your fat asses America and get some exercise, everyone, including yourself will thank you. 

 

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